On Autopilot

I’m now back from the longest single break from positing since I started the blog and whilst I could come up with many excuses as to why I haven’t posted they are not really relevant.  We can come up with all sorts of excuses to justify why we do or don’t do certain things.  Suffice it to say I have been choosing to spend my time in other ways, although not necessarily the most productive as you will read in a short time.

My last post was on my birthday although I had written it (in my head if not on the system) some time beforehand, it was also the day my new kitchen was completed which was very happy.  I had a lot of wonderful wishes from friends and some lovely presents (including a Belgian Chocolate Pizza).  I love my friends and their creativity.  Since then (and possibly before) I have been running on automatic.  That wonderful spark that has been helping me to express my creativity has been reduced to a pilot light and I have been going around on autopilot.  This morning as I walked to work I was beginning to wonder if I was somewhere else entirely and just watching myself going thought the motions.

When I have tried to explain this to people who have asked how I am it has led to some confusion (and a few giggles).  I don’t think they know what I mean when I say it feels like I am somewhere else and not inside my body, although i feel here now. Perhaps I am staying at home whilst I send myself to work??  Anyway that could lead to a psychiatric evaluation!!  I think it is enough to say that I am feeling slightly numb, like it is Christmas and I just don’t’ feel it.

The next step in my learning has clearly got to be to understand how I am feeling, why I am feeling it and what I need to do next to bring the balance back to my life.  All things are good in balance but my balance is very off at the moment.  I am obsessing with TV shows and computer games.  Neglecting the basic house chores that keep my home running efficiently and not keeping good track of my finances, choosing to simply have what I want and deal with the money later.  I am not worried over it as that would imply I don’t expect the money to be there, I know it will be.  I’m just not organising myself well.  This comes just at the time when at work my boss has decided to stop reviewing my task lists as I am organising them efficiently and is satisfied that I am developing that part of my work self well.  Talk about a paradox.

So heading into the learning I need to do to make my next moves forward.  How to I feel?  Well numb and a little lost.  I wake up each morning and can see from the sleep monitor that I have had a great nights sleep but I don’t quite believe it.  In fact now I write “I don’t quite believe it” holds a certain resonance for me.  Clearly with the Louise Hay course behind me this is a phrase in dire need of a re-wrtite, I think Louise would approve of “I believe and accept all things that come my way with love”.

Next up what do I need to learn?  This one is going to take a little longer but I believe the starting blocks have got to be to accept the things I have already changed in my life and to renew my commitment to them.  Since just before the kitchen was refitted I have allowed a slip in my controls over the things I eat.  I have allowed (partly through necessity and partly pure convenience or want) more gluten, sugar, chocolate, tomato & dairy back into my diet.  Perhaps this has contributed to my general feelings and set me feeling how I did before.  However now I have the experience of limiting these things I have a comparison and can feel how differently my body is reacting.  So firstly I have to get in touch with how my body is feeling and listen to it again, feed it the foods that are good to help it and limit the foods that are causing it aggravation.  I also clearly need to get some grounding and place my feet back on solid ground.  For some weeks as I walk I have been visualising that I am a bird wings spread up and behind me as though coming in to land.  I think it is about time I did….

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About onyxfishy

I am a thirty three year old guy learning his way through life. In early 2010 I met a special person that changed my view on life. I have subsequently been learning a new way to live aside from the hustle and bustle of making a living. My journey has been going well and so I am choosing to share some of my thoughts and experiences.

Posted on 6 June, 2012, in Comments and tagged , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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