Monthly Archives: April 2013
Identifying what has been causing me to feel bad is only part way. The “what comes next” is how I can help shape whether I feel the same again in a week, month, year or longer. I like to have ownership of my own well being and as such simply stating what has happened isn’t enough. How can I go that extra step to try and figure out how not to fall into the same trap again.
Part of the learning this time must be for me to reform the guilt aspects I have identified. So below is the same list I published yesterday all rewritten with a positive and loving aspect to reinforce my self worth and ensure I no longer need to feel guilt for them.
I am loved and respected because I:
– give the best I am able to every minute
– exercise good judgement in accomplishing valuable tasks at work
– give my friends love, sharing in their achievements as they share in my success and joy
– have the strength to let go of possessions that are no longer serving my needs
– help my loved ones in many creative and supportive ways
– have the ability to perform my own healing which I do as needed
– have my own home and maintain it to my needs and wants
– eat the best food for me that I have available at the time I need sustenance
– take joy in my leisure activities
– share my creativity with others as often as I choose
– make effort to be helpful and work to identify when this help cannot meet the other persons needs
– am self sufficient but am strong enough to seek counsel when I need it
– express myself clearly whilst being respectful of other people’s feelings
Changing the thought patterns on these will require more than just writing them down. Beyond this I will read the list aloud to myself each morning on waking and each night before sleep. These positive messages need to be reaffirmed, watered and fed so that the feelings they evoke can grow into the gaps the waning guilt will be leaving behind as it departs.
Working on how I can continue to value myself above others is still a further challenge as I genuinely do not believe I am any better or more important than anyone else on the planet. Firmly believing in equality to a fault is somewhat of a challenging friend in this instance. So I will add to my list above the mantra “I give myself permission to place my needs first as I choose to”.
I am still working thoughts on whether there are any additional lessons from this latest bump in the road. Until I find them I will work with what I have.
So I was the kid at school who picked up money on the ground and asked the other kids standing nearby if it was there’s. Naturally it belonged to someone. However a short time later I’d check my pockets and find that the person it actually belonged to was me, not the person that had claimed it. Learning from the example given to me to put others first, I have had a number of these situations throughout my life.
Reflecting in my last few months now I am able to perform my self analyse function I can see some of this behaviour contributing to my latest mood fall. Summarised of course quite aptly in the title of this article, guilt and self worth. Both of which can be easily multiplied when in a force of habit to put everyone else first.
I have worked long and hard on my self worth but when push comes to shove I still drive myself beyond reasonable limits to compensate for deficiencies elsewhere. I place the need of other people to have something from me above whether I feel exhausted or not really in the right way to do that thing. This means my work attendance is very good and is of course expected to be so. With only two days off ill in more than five years I suspect if I’d had a day or two more when I have felt at my worst no one would have made an issue. Nevertheless I push on often when it may not be in my best interest to do so. Recognising my self worth here will be valuable. My boss loves to quote the airplane analogy of securing your own oxygen mask before helping others. This is clearly a lesson I must learn on a deeper level than I previously believed I had.
Now for the second word, guilt! When you say it or write it the meaning is clear although oftentimes it sneaks in and is that background nagging that you cannot dismiss. It can simply go unrecognised until you look back and draw up a list of “charges”. Here is mine that in my next article I will use a Louise Hay style rewrite technique on. I have tried to order them in severity of the guilt associated.
I am guilty of:
– not being perfect every minute
– not being able to do everything at my work
– having nice things when some of my friends struggle
– abandoning my beloved car because I had lost faith
– not being able to fix everything for those I love
– not doing my self healing
– not keeping my home tidy
– not eating the right foods
– playing games and distracting myself
– of not posting on my blog or publishing a video on my channel
– agreeing to do things I don’t want to or can’t make time for
– not asking my friends for help or someone to talk to
– losing my patience with people asking for my help that have created their own situation
As you can see there is a good size list bumbling around in the back of my head and these are the generic topics. Each one may have more than one specific referenced to a person or scenario. I overthink the smallest of things for example is it more polite to let a lady into the lift first who then has to press the lift button for me or to get in first myself and press the button?
Perhaps the over thinking is something I am also guilty of but don’t feel guilt about knowingly. The lesson will reveal itself and in aim of addressing my guilt mongering lesson I will reframe the statements of guilt above in tomorrow.
Well it has been a tough few months. Not in terms of getting time to do things as I have been playing plenty of games on the computer.
I am easily bogged down in things and therefore end up neglecting things like my self healing and the house chores etc.
I then find as time goes by (in this case two months) I have less energy because I spread myself thin across many things. I have less tolerance for others and end up need to hit the ground. In some circumstances like the last week I feel quite literally as though I should just fall to the ground and sleep. I end up utterly exhausted and somehow I do it to myself over and again. Far too slowly I pick up the signs within myself and start doing the right things late enough that I still end up in a sorry state.
So as I say yesterday was what I have come to call “bounce day”. It isn’t the first and may not be the last. It is the point at which I hit all the emergency buttons I have and usually end up getting some sound advice from a friend. Most often I have been concerning myself over things I either do not need to change or that I cannot change. The result is the same in both cases of course.
The best part of this is the day after bounce day. I wake up with a new energy and knowing that I am on the way back up. My positivity returns almost immediately and I can see the light again.
It is also the time that I can start to make sense of why I have been feeling so low and look to learn the lessons (sometimes re-learn) and move forward to make things better.
So with a good load of chocolate on my desk and the weekend beckoning me to relax I say “here’s to bounce day”!