Guilt and Self Worth Part 1

So I was the kid at school who picked up money on the ground and asked the other kids standing nearby if it was there’s. Naturally it belonged to someone. However a short time later I’d check my pockets and find that the person it actually belonged to was me, not the person that had claimed it. Learning from the example given to me to put others first, I have had a number of these situations throughout my life.

Reflecting in my last few months now I am able to perform my self analyse function I can see some of this behaviour contributing to my latest mood fall. Summarised of course quite aptly in the title of this article, guilt and self worth. Both of which can be easily multiplied when in a force of habit to put everyone else first.

I have worked long and hard on my self worth but when push comes to shove I still drive myself beyond reasonable limits to compensate for deficiencies elsewhere. I place the need of other people to have something from me above whether I feel exhausted or not really in the right way to do that thing. This means my work attendance is very good and is of course expected to be so. With only two days off ill in more than five years I suspect if I’d had a day or two more when I have felt at my worst no one would have made an issue. Nevertheless I push on often when it may not be in my best interest to do so. Recognising my self worth here will be valuable. My boss loves to quote the airplane analogy of securing your own oxygen mask before helping others. This is clearly a lesson I must learn on a deeper level than I previously believed I had.

Now for the second word, guilt! When you say it or write it the meaning is clear although oftentimes it sneaks in and is that background nagging that you cannot dismiss. It can simply go unrecognised until you look back and draw up a list of “charges”. Here is mine that in my next article I will use a Louise Hay style rewrite technique on. I have tried to order them in severity of the guilt associated.

I am guilty of:
– not being perfect every minute
– not being able to do everything at my work
– having nice things when some of my friends struggle
– abandoning my beloved car because I had lost faith
– not being able to fix everything for those I love
– not doing my self healing
– not keeping my home tidy
– not eating the right foods
– playing games and distracting myself
– of not posting on my blog or publishing a video on my channel
– agreeing to do things I don’t want to or can’t make time for
– not asking my friends for help or someone to talk to
– losing my patience with people asking for my help that have created their own situation

As you can see there is a good size list bumbling around in the back of my head and these are the generic topics. Each one may have more than one specific referenced to a person or scenario. I overthink the smallest of things for example is it more polite to let a lady into the lift first who then has to press the lift button for me or to get in first myself and press the button?

Perhaps the over thinking is something I am also guilty of but don’t feel guilt about knowingly. The lesson will reveal itself and in aim of addressing my guilt mongering lesson I will reframe the statements of guilt above in tomorrow.

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About onyxfishy

I am a thirty three year old guy learning his way through life. In early 2010 I met a special person that changed my view on life. I have subsequently been learning a new way to live aside from the hustle and bustle of making a living. My journey has been going well and so I am choosing to share some of my thoughts and experiences.

Posted on 15 April, 2013, in Comments and tagged , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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