Time to Change

2015 has thus far been a challenging year.  I have spent most of my time since Christmas away for work, working long hours to achieve an important delivery for the company.  Fortunately the decision to do this work was one that I took my own responsibility for and although it was tough I knew it was an investment for me personally, as well as a benefit for my work.  The time away also allowed for me to achieve clarity on an important decision that I needed to make.

Before I get to the decision let me explain the cryptic “I have a plan” from my post in November.  For some time I have known that I wanted to do something more meaningful with my life.  Something that would benefit others and not simply serve the purpose of lining pockets with money.  Indeed I was told last year in a spiritual reading that money would not motivate me.  I have been waiting for the enough of the puzzle to be clear so that I can know what the “something better” would be.  I now have a much better idea and it was something suggested to me a few years ago.

I have decided to study Homoeopathy and to use my innate problem solving in a new and exciting way to help people in a very different context to my current job.  Having explored the possibilities since summer last year I grow more convinced of the correctness of my direction with each turn.  I made plans to move again this year to be back closer to my parents.  Also to be back in my own property in preparation for my eventual departure from the office.  Fully set with the intention of continuing to work where I am until at least two years into my study.

With the effort this year has required and with the time away from my team in the office, who in are very much family to me, I was able to consider without guilt when the right time to leave would be.  A difficult decision having been with the same employer for twelve years.  However when I joined I felt that I had to be brave enough to go into the unknown, to fly out to Miami and not know what to expect when I joined the ship.  Now as then I am listening to the wisdom that things you regret most are those that you don’t do.

As a result I have decided to coincide my leaving with my house move, have some time off during the summer with friends and family but most importantly myself.  Then find a job that will be conducive to my focus on studying homoeopathy.  What comes next will be an entirely new beginning for me, a chance to learn and grow in ways I had not thought of before.

My wish for all of you and for all the people that we meet in life is that we all know when to speak, when to listen, when to stay, when to go and how to find the wisdom within ourselves.

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A Summer to find a Soul

After my last post in very short order I moved to a new home.  A decision that had been coming for some time but one that exploded out of me and was enacted with intense rapidity.

I set my goal to find a new home on a long weekend off work.  In truth on day one I had found the place.  I know when things are working as I need them to as the jigsaw puzzle pieces just fall into place.  I found my ideal opportunity, a house with a good garden and plenty of green spaces around.  Close enough to my work that I can still easily get in and out of the city.  This time by bicycle providing me with a good amount of exercise.

I made this decision knowing the next logical step was to sell my flat thus releasing my property ties in this area.  In truth it has taken more time than I had anticipated to sell and therefore the financial strain I knew I was accepting has lasted longer and required me to adjust things I had hoped to leave be.  However I would not have decided differently.  Having moved I have given myself the freedom to change my perspective from where I had become stuck.

The decision to move is simply a catalyst for a chain of changes in my life that now feel ready to be initiated.  The long road home and hopefully to a new true purpose in my life.  As these changes occur I expect my writings in this blog to increase in frequency.  I will be spending more time in the mindset that allows this form of expression.

The way forward is seemingly simple.  I have a period of time to cleanse and clear, both my life and my surroundings.  An opportunity to de-clutter possessions and thoughts.  I have a plan for the next five years for the first time I can recall.  I hope you will all enjoy my new direction and the inevitable learning I will undertake as I build an entirely new life and branch into it, leaving behind that which no longer serves me.

Missing in Inaction…

I can’t believe it has been more than a year since I wrote on the blog.  More than a year since I properly tended to my own unfoldment.  I have been lost in an unending distraction made up of my work and recreational activities.  Both of which placing greater and greater demands on my time and energy.  I have coped with this by surviving it, simply pushing through sometimes each day as it comes, sometimes each step I am taking.

It seems that I have now reached a changing point in life, they happen at various points and with the right information and openness are usually quite positive and life affirming.  If what I have been told is true then this could be one of the most important changes of my life.  Leading me into the true purpose of my being.  It’s inception is not uncommon and has deep similarities with how I felt four years ago.  At that time I was despondent, unable to reconcile what I do with my work to anything meaningful in a larger sense of the world.  Back then I had someone enter my life who brought me the light that allowed me to cope with these last four years.

The ability to learn and endure being somewhere that I may, in truth, not belong.  Somewhere I needed to be only for the purpose of my journey through life as a stepping stone.  This place still serves to keep me alive, it fails however to excite and nurture me and so changes must begin.

The first change is home location, a simple matter of temporarily breaking my need to control my environment by owning the property I live in.  I started that journey today by agreeing a let on a beautiful house surrounded by green areas and woodland.  A place I can easily break my self captivity of a weekend by walking out the door…  A step that I have been reluctant to take in my current home.

As part of the next few years of change I will need to learn a lot.  Both in terms of education, continuing life lessons and the understanding of what I want to do.  I have known for as long as I can remember that I want to help people.  I have an innate ability to communicate with many different people.  I will be taking my knowledge and opening my mind far wider than I have in the last twelve months to answer the questions :
– Who do I want to help now?
– How do I want to help?
– Where do I want to be?

By answering these I will get closer to my “Why?”.  Until I get there the journey of change begins anew with one step to change the things that I feel are not serving me.  A scary, exciting and relieving thought.  I have the courage to pursue it, enjoy the ride with me.

Guilt and Self Worth Part 2

Identifying what has been causing me to feel bad is only part way. The “what comes next” is how I can help shape whether I feel the same again in a week, month, year or longer. I like to have ownership of my own well being and as such simply stating what has happened isn’t enough. How can I go that extra step to try and figure out how not to fall into the same trap again.

Part of the learning this time must be for me to reform the guilt aspects I have identified. So below is the same list I published yesterday all rewritten with a positive and loving aspect to reinforce my self worth and ensure I no longer need to feel guilt for them.

I am loved and respected because I:
– give the best I am able to every minute
– exercise good judgement in accomplishing valuable tasks at work
– give my friends love, sharing in their achievements as they share in my success and joy
– have the strength to let go of possessions that are no longer serving my needs
– help my loved ones in many creative and supportive ways
– have the ability to perform my own healing which I do as needed
– have my own home and maintain it to my needs and wants
– eat the best food for me that I have available at the time I need sustenance
– take joy in my leisure activities
– share my creativity with others as often as I choose
– make effort to be helpful and work to identify when this help cannot meet the other persons needs
– am self sufficient but am strong enough to seek counsel when I need it
– express myself clearly whilst being respectful of other people’s feelings

Changing the thought patterns on these will require more than just writing them down. Beyond this I will read the list aloud to myself each morning on waking and each night before sleep. These positive messages need to be reaffirmed, watered and fed so that the feelings they evoke can grow into the gaps the waning guilt will be leaving behind as it departs.

Working on how I can continue to value myself above others is still a further challenge as I genuinely do not believe I am any better or more important than anyone else on the planet. Firmly believing in equality to a fault is somewhat of a challenging friend in this instance. So I will add to my list above the mantra “I give myself permission to place my needs first as I choose to”.

I am still working thoughts on whether there are any additional lessons from this latest bump in the road. Until I find them I will work with what I have.

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