My last post shared some of what was happening early on in 2017. Looking back I kept things at a summary level. One of the biggest reasons for this was that I had not talked to many people about what had been going on for me. Before I start to post about what is happening in 2018 it may be worth a post to reflect more on last year.
I think it is sufficient to say that losing our Tess was the single defining event of the year. There were of course many positive things and life generally continued to be pretty good. However I don’t believe any of our family have “gotten over” losing a beloved part of the family. For my part I carry guilt for not driving back from my work (2.5 hours away) on that last night. I know there is nothing I could have done and that she knew I loved her deeply. Perhaps I just regret not seeing her one more time. Many tears have been shed and I am sure there will yet still be more. Life does go on, it is different and writing this paragraph I realise that as I cannot bring her back, the best thing I can do is change the intensity of the emotional memory and forgive myself by using the EFT protocol. Thanks for helping me remember that!
As a paragraph heading it seems quite arrogant and self important. Most people that know me (I hope) would not ascribe those traits to me. Indeed after months of reflection, searching inside myself, searching the past, remembering and reflecting on thoughts and feelings, I still find “me first” a challenge. It is however a challenge that I have been taking on one step at a time. My default position when faced with a choice revolves around the impact of the options available. If for example there are two choices one of which is convenient to me but inconvenient to someone else, the other being the inverse, I normally pick option two and try to make life easier for others.
Of course that sounds like a great thing and a quintessential quality of the “nice guy”. Add in a dash of “imposter syndrome” for someone who is High IQ and lives in near constant fear of being found out to be “not good enough” and things aren’t always so easy.
I’ve not been on this journey inside alone. I have had a few good women to help me. A psychotherapist (yes “oh my God he’s crazy!”) and a life coach. I’d always thought a life coach sounded like a massively indulgent thing. However when you carry on in a cycle of being an intelligent, emotionally aware, “nice guy” you come to one inevitable conclusion. All my friends have way too much rubbish to deal with without listening to me whine about my life. Therefore you don’t talk to them about things or worse yet you don’t talk to them at all. Soon you only interact with family and work colleagues and stay at home alone the rest of the time. Not a place of health, and not a place that you can easily rationalise yourself out of, hence the need for help. After all if you cannot offload on a friend the only option left is to pay someone to listen to your rubbish and help guide you in clearing through some of it.
The fact that I now fairly openly describe myself as High IQ can be ascribed to the psychotherapy. I chose someone I knew for a while and who wouldn’t let me get away with anything. She challenged me to figure out what I would do with my wonderful brain to change the world for the better. At the moment I have decided to use it to change my world for the better.
2017 was a start and has allowed me to make some decisions about what I want and need. For an absolute must I want a dog. To do this I need to have a house, I started shopping for this some time ago and have had some disappointments as the UK house market somewhat rewards dishonesty. I have found somewhere and that will be my new adventure. We’ll see what 2018 and a new home can bring…
On logging onto my account I see it has been almost a full year since I last posted. As usual I offer my apologies but also I wanted to explore why that is, what has happened and what is going on now.
Why haven’t I posted?
For those that have read from the start you will be aware I vowed to publish articles that were relevant to my learning and not simply populate a blog with meaningless drivel about all sorts of minutiae that we all cope with every day. So there was a period of time where I considered that I was mostly “OK”. Things were progressing and I was relatively happy, nothing major to report.
Then things got busy, this meant that even when things were happening I didn’t feel I had the time (or I simply didn’t make the time) to post or examine my thoughts for the value they held. Everything built up and before I realised there were mountains surrounding me (figuratively speaking of course) and I had isolated myself from all support, including writing here. As I was not confiding in those closest to me it seemed unethical to post on a blog about problems I was having. Hence I kept my own counsel, I’m sure most of you that have done this will realise that didn’t work!
What has happened?
Well at last report I was working part time, I am now working full time with a good deal of responsibility. Previously I was in my first year of homeopathic study, I am now approaching the end of my second year. Sufficient to say that although my “spare” time has been somewhat lazy with TV and Computer games I have been feeling very busy and avoiding many tasks.
As with life things have changed and I have had to adapt. Our much loved Principal at my homeopathy college died suddenly last summer and whilst college life has continued we still feel his loss and miss his presence. Recently our beloved Tess went to sleep and this has had a profound affect on me as I don’t yet have the option to have another dog myself and life is always better when you have the unconditional love of a good dog with you.
In summary as I already mentioned almost everything but the most essential has ground to a halt in my life. Coming from a position where I thought I had “fixed” a fair amount of the concerns I had with my life and my thinking I am now in a position where those sand castles have long since washed away.
What is going on now?
Having found myself alone and barely functioning as a human being I had to wallow in that state for a small time before coming to the decision that something had to be done. The reflective work being included in my college course helped prompt me into this and fortunately the support offered by our college principals has been instrumental in getting me to work on stability and my ability to truly move forward. Recognising not just the “bad habits” I have but also why I have them and how I can distinguish things from the past from things now.
This is why I have chosen the title for this article. Imagine that my life is a beautiful river with flower covered banks and fields either side to the horizon. About as perfect as you could want a life to be, right? Now imagine that we have floated down river to a point where silt has built up and nothing can easily flow. Having been stuck in this part of the river for a time I have enlisted the support of a dredger to deepen the river and allow life to flow more freely and easily once more. The difficulty is that the dredger is throwing all sorts of dirt onto the river bank, I need to properly dispose of the dirt so that the bank can once more be covered in bloom. That is my task at present, facing the things that I have buried and finding a way to accept them and let them go without hiding them again.
There is much going on and I am experiencing thoughts and “learnings” more frequently than I have for a few years. I hope I can share them with you here and that they may resonate with a few people and help them find the beauty and flow along their river…
The end of April signals that one third of 2016 has passed us by. Also that there is a mere couple of weeks before I have to start remembering a new number when someone asks how old I am. Although in fairness the only people that usually ask that are my parents when I am indulging the superb imagination of my niece.
For lessons in life it seems a reasonable time to see where I have gotten to with the latest time I have had available to me. Of course I had (as usual) been hoping to be far more active on the blog. After all I am back at study learning a new career. In reality I have found myself split in many ways. Work has an established and steady rhythm which has occasional bursts of activity which are usually well known about in advance. This is both amazing and deliberately the way in which I have negotiated my work arrangements to be, allowing a conducive ability to study.
So with work well settled into the parameters I pre-defined you would think that I would have study time as needed, post blog articles regularly and the world would be an amazing place of learning and growth. Oh if life were ever so simple… In reality by confining my work I have simply exposed the true conflict for time is between my escapism and my true path. Previously I allowed my own perfection to allow work to bleed into my personal time more than may have been normal. Now I have simply replaced the distraction of what I felt was my duty with other things. I distract myself by watching television programs, playing computer games, becoming tired and sleeping. All of which serve as an escape from actually knuckling down and getting on with what needs to be done. Much as writing this article right this moment is yet another example of escape from the other things that I need to be doing.
As with all changes we seek to make in life the first step is recognising the need to change and fully understanding what you are doing. The patterns of behaviour that you are allowing yourself to exist in. This can be a difficult step and the next one is no less so. Learning how to bring about a change in behaviour patters (even a small one). So this is the lesson I have been working with since changing the course of my life. To date I have have tried many ways to positively encourage the new behaviours I want to encourage in myself and while my studies are being accomplished and I am completing my work as a student I do not feel I have yet achieved the potential I am capable of.
I attended a learning day yesterday that was extremely interesting and fulfilling for me personally. Firstly I was thrilled to see my homoeopath in action as one of those presenting the subject. I have had the desire to sit and learn from him for some time, however with our usual contact being in a patient consultation this was an opportunity to see him “in action” so to speak.
Without going into the subject material at this particular time (mostly because I need time to digest and read up) it has shown me the need for further in depth thought on my journey in life. It may provide some practical information on what type of journey I selected for myself and some of the key learnings that I will be faced with. All of which are incredibly positive.
Our 2016 – 33% distance score is that there is still a great deal to learn. I hope that there always is!
Waking up on the first day of a new year much like any other new year. I do not list short term resolutions that will be forgotten as quickly as they are made. Instead choosing some general principles for how I would like life to flow during the coming 526,560 minutes.
2015 brought some intense changes that took courage and planning and 2016 needs a continuation of that same courage. Much as the White-bell stands apart from the bluebells that surround it I must be true to the conviction that my chosen path is the correct one for my life to follow. Therefore I have chosen three areas of life to continue to develop during the year.
Work and Study
I will continue the balance of working as needed to bring money and free time for my living expenses and study. My ultimate goal in this area is that should my current work end I will have enough savings that I may not need to work until setting up my new business.
My study of homoeopathy remains the primary focus and I will complete my first year of study and move into an exciting second year understanding more of the practice of homoeopathy alongside anatomy, physiology and pathology. Approaching my studies with a thirst for knowledge and the realisation that I will be continuously learning and developing my knowledge for the rest of my life.
An area of expression that I have laid dormant for some time is my creativity. As I continue on my path I feel it is important for me to renew focus in this area. I am uncertain what form this will take, if I will return to my love of writing poetry or find new and interesting ways to bring forward what I feel on the inside. I have considered the possibility of extending Learning My Life Lessons into a VLOG format. Ultimately I will see where the wind takes me.
As I continue to learn about different aspects of healing it becomes even more important to better learn how to keep my own body in health. As I learn more about the practice, philosophy and nature of homoeopathy my part as a patient becomes greater. As important as this is to me it is only one facet of my contribution to maintaining my own health. The most important contributor I intend to evolve this year is dietary nutrition. The very fuel on which I run my being needs to be tuned correctly otherwise all else that comes is tainted.
The changes will be small and often moving towards a diet in tune with my blood type. Choosing foods that are beneficial to my health and avoiding those which detract from it. Establishing an improved base for my physical body to operate from I will also focus on engaging a good exercise regime. Something reduced by no longer walking to and from work on a daily basis.
As always I choose myself as the sole arbiter of my personal health. I am responsible for all choices made, therefore by extension, for any ill function and the remedy thereof.
In 365 days when I look back on this year I wish to be able to say that I continued to learn and grow, to experience joy in my work, study, leisure and creativity. That those around me continued to bring positive influence to my life, as I hope I bring to theirs. No lofty goals, just human ones. Life happens one moment to the next, be sure to enjoy and be proud of them all!